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Sunday, December 10, 2006

There Is Nothing To Eat In The Fridge!!!!

Quick Spaghetti (Liven It Up With Spices) and A Real Quick Sauce

If you are a parent, even if you are deaf and dumb to the world, and even if you just returned from spending $300 on a huge order of food from the Supermarket, where the delivery men said that it broke their backs, and took you more than a half hour just to put away - then you have heard this little gem being screamed out in the house two minutes after you were done and your child went to the Fridge, opened it, looked in and in 2 seconds screamed out:

There Is Nothing To Eat In The Fridge!!!!

"That is right, kid," you say under your breath. "My duty in life is to starve you. I want you to report me to the police for not feeding you. So I only filled the fridge with invisible food, and those three 100 dollar bills I dropped at the Supermarket were for lottery tickets. Eat the stale bread kid and make a sandwich of Tuna, if you can find any."

Ahh, but the child is not done! The words echo throughout the house while you are on the phone with the social worker who has been given a suspiciously child-sounding anonymous tip that you are hiding food from your children and now Social Services wants to come and visit. And during this lovely phone call where you are mumbling and stuttering between deciding just how you are going to murder that child, they scream out:

You are starving me to death! There Is Nothing To Eat In The Fridge! AGAIN!

So tonight my son pulled the "starving me to death routine" but with finesse and guilt. Here is how it went down.

The How To Give Guilt To Parents For Not Feeding The Children Pizza and Junk Food Every Night Steps:

  1. Child walks in from school, all tired.
  2. Child heads straight for TV.
  3. "Hey Kid, did I die yet? Am I invisible? Don't you say hello?"
  4. Child turns, smiles a half smile, and says "Hello. Remind me again who you are please? I am very hungry and my parents never feed me."
  5. "Listen Kid. Go to the fridge. It is freshly stocked. Tell me what to make you for supper. Anything you want."
  6. Child goes to fridge, opening it with an exaggerated eye-roll as if to say "Like I may ever find anything of interest in there!" and sees food stocked up to the gahangas in the fridge.
  7. Child screams out "There is nothing to eat in the Fridge"
  8. Parent runs for the new set of knives and stops short remembering this kid belongs to said parent!
That was when I suggested Spaghetti. Hell, so what we had steaks, burgers, chopped meat, eggs, and on and on and on. The kids says, "Yep. All right. I will settle for Spaghetti. But fast, because I am famished!"

So here you go folks.

Quick Spaghetti (Liven It Up With Spices) and A Real Quick Sauce

What You Will Need:
  1. Frying pan (small or medium)
  2. 1 Pot to make the Spaghetti
  3. 1 colander to strain out the water after the spaghetti is cooked
  4. One Bowl for your child to stuff their face into the spaghetti
  5. One fork for the kid
  6. (Around 10 mil. of Valium to calm down before the Social Worker comes to visit cause your kid reported you for never feeding the children.)
Ingredients:
  1. Package of spaghetti (or 250 Grams) - Whole Wheat or Regular
  2. Can of Crushed tomatoes or Spaghetti sauce
  3. 1 Tablespoon of butter (or a bit larger dab)
  4. 1 Teaspoon Basil
  5. Another Teaspoon of Basil
  6. 1 Teaspoon Garlic Salt or 3 ground cloves of Garlic
  7. 1 Tablespoon of Onion Salt or 1 Small ground chopped onion
  8. 1 Tablespoon Dried Hot Tomatoes
  9. 1 Tablespoon Dry or Sauce Chimichurri
  10. A real small pinch of white pepper (if you like to live dangerously!)
  11. 1 Teaspoon Napoli Pasta Seasoning
Remember this is FAST AND EASY! We are not going to kvetch and drey around in the kitchen. We are going to make spaghetti and stuff that child's face and make him say "wow this is really good."

Directions:

Take the pot and break the spaghetti in two. Dump that in the pot. Add 5 cups of water into the pot, and put it on the fire on a low flame. Now here is where I am going to surprise you! Take the:
  1. 1 Teaspoon Basil
  2. 1 Teaspoon Garlic Salt or 3 ground cloves of Garlic
  3. 1 Tablespoon of Onion Salt or 1 Small ground chopped onion
  4. 1 Tablespoon Dried Hot Tomatoes
  5. 1 Tablespoon Dry or Sauce Chimichurri
  6. A real small pinch of white pepper (if you like to live dangerously!)
  7. Napoli Pasta Seasoning
and put them in the Spaghetti pot NOW.

Wait until the spaghetti is almost ready and soft (around 20 minutes). Take your frying pan. Put it on a low flame. Put in the butter. Let it melt. Then dump in the can of crushed tomatoes or spaghetti sauce. Put in the other teaspoon of Basil. Mix the butter and tomatoes (or sauce) and basil around until you see the pan is hot.

By now the Spaghetti should be ready. Turn off the flame. Dump it into the Colander. Don't worry. The spices have seeped in - but not too much (or they are clinging to the spaghetti). Put it all on a plate. Pour the sauce from the frying pan on to the spaghetti.

Call your kid in, and under pain of having their fingernails removed one by one, make them eat the whole thing. And they better say "Yummy."

My kid turned around and said, "Who really made this?"

That was when I gave him a real good reason to really report me to the social services!



I will give it a two. But it really is simple folks. Just make sure you don't fall for the guilt trip!

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